He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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