You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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