So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
