He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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