just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
