I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
