i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
