I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.