I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone