took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face