Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long