it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
