Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
