wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
