Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
