The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
