just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
