you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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