things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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