Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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