There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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