Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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