I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
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not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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