I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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