we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
