um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
