Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
