Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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