It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
