This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
