Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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