She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
