Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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