I can tuck mytits in my pants
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When are your genitals available?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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