Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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