oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think i have herpe
just one?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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