I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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