I'm so fucking centered right now
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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