So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
