I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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