I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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