this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
