I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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