Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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