i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup