listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...