There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
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I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.