This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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