walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
