So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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