guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
