guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
