I think scott just propositioned me for sex
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
