I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize