before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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