can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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