I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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