and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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