"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
