Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
