Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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