You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
