We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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