I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
