I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
